February 2012
149 posts
16 tags
The Gold Teeth
In the late 1930’s, Moisha Rabinowitz fled his native land of Germany. He sold all his assets and converted them into gold. He then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. “We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and...
11 tags
Jewish Playset
nerdswithvaginas:
My nephews got some pretty cool toys.
10 tags
12 tags
9 tags
10 tags
Eggs
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn’t recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him...
11 tags
10 tags
16 tags
“Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul, light Shabbos candles,...”
– Personal ad from Israeli newspaper (via willissoawesome)
12 tags
14 tags
New Money
A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out live a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the amenities they could imagine.
They then decided to hire a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to find one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their...
11 tags
8 tags
11 tags
In response to Mormons baptising dead Jewish...
twat-hammer:
http://alldeadmormonsarenowgay.com/
(I know the Mormon group who did this apologized for the baptism but this is just too funny.)
11 tags
WatchStephen Colbert- On Mormon Holocaust Baptisms
14 tags
The Stamps
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” replied the woman. ”Well, give me 50 Conservative, 2 Orthodox, 37 Reform and 11 Reconstructionist.”
9 tags
9 tags
7 tags
13 tags
18 tags
The Ten Commandments
This is the little-known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What’s a commandment?” they asked. “Well, its like, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way. That would ruin our weekends.” ...
11 tags
10 tags
Hasidic boy's coat inspired Kate Middleton's... →
ludmirermoyd:
Well! That’s random. I can sort of see it, though.
8 tags
7 tags
itskindofhighschool:
jews are so random
Yes. All of us. We do our best.
14 tags
One Man's Faith
On a sunny Saturday afternoon in Miami Beach, two old friends met for the first time in years.
After exchange of the usual amenities, as they sat on a beachfront bench, Jacob’s expression grew somber, and he said, “Shmuel, people are telling me you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in G-d?” Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly...
13 tags
11 tags
12 tags
16 tags
Revenge: The Diet Guide to the Jewish... →
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays: Rosh Hashanah ———- Feast Tzom Gedalia —————- Fast Yom Kippur ——————— More fasting Sukkot —————————— Feast for a week + Hashanah Rabbah —— More feasting Simchat Torah ————! - Keep right on feasting Month of Heshvan ——- No feasts or fasts for a whole…
12 tags
17 tags
Pronunciation
It’s time once again to explain the correct pronunciation of Hebrew words, specifically of the holiday “Yom Kippur”.
Studies have shown that how a person pronounces “Yom Kippur” is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status. For example, a person who owns a Kia or Honda normally pronounces it: “Yahm Kipp’ er”.
A person who owns a Mercedes...
14 tags
10 tags
11 tags
Jewish Problems #144
jewishproblems:
Wallet is too heavy from all the change.
11 tags
16 tags
A Day at the Zoo
Dov was an actor - or, at least, he would have been if he could have gotten his act together and found a job. He was down and out, and ready to settle for any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead. He discovers a job described in the classified ads as follows: “Actor needed to play ape.” ”I could do that,” says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none...
16 tags
9 tags
The Latin Teacher and I XX
Magister: I don't watch Seinfeld.
Magister: If I wanted to hear a bunch of Jews complaining about nothing, I'd stay home.
11 tags
Random memory:
horriblewarning:
During my first summer at Jewish overnight camp, I asked someone I had just met if they were Jewish.
Force of habit.
8 tags
11 tags
“There’s only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with...”
– Elayne Boosler
9 tags
11 tags
Bar Kvetch
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the Frenchman. “I must have wine.” “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the German. “I must have beer.” “I’m tired and thirsty,” says the Jew. “I must have diabetes.”
6 tags
8 tags
15 tags
The New Faith
New Delhi, India - Hinjew leaders today conceded that the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.
7 tags
14 tags
13 tags
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like...”
– Rabbi Harold Kushner (via senzapari)